The sensitivity of therapeutic antibodies to severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-CoV-2) viral "escape" mutations has inspired efforts to develop treatment strategies that are still effective in the face of rapidly mutating viral surface proteins. Here, we demonstrate a chemical strategy that enforces viral opsonization by natural serum antibodies. This strategy uses chimeric molecules that we call covalent viral opsonizers, which covalently label viral surface proteins, with synthetic antibody-binding ligands. As a proof of concept, we develop covalent viral opsonizers that covalently label the spike protein on SARS-CoV-2 using a "mutation-proof" small-molecule-binding ligand for anti-dinitrophenyl serum antibodies. In model assays, we observe that covalent viral opsonizers can rapidly and selectively covalently label the receptor-binding domain of both native and mutant spike proteins, leading to antibody opsonization. Opsonization mediated by this strategy is able to efficiently block the key binding domain interactions, in contrast to non-covalent analogs. We also show that covalent viral opsonizers enact targeted anti-viral phagocytotic immune function. This strategy has potential general utility for the rapid deployment of anti-viral synthetic immunotherapeutics at the onset of a new pandemic to reinforce vaccination and antibody engineering efforts.